When grey matter liquifies

What’s the difference between grey and gray? Anyone know? I’d look it up, but I am BEAT you guys. My thesis proposal is really almost COMPLETE now, and I wish to crawl into a cave and watch British comedy for 2 weeks in the company of a band of roguish musical trolls. I could also go have a drink. That is a seemingly more practical solution.

Let’s talk about the Super Beyonce, because it was in-cred-i-ble. I mean, I was crying. My chest felt like someone had torn it out of my body and replaced it with a unicorn heart. You can ask, I was CRYING. Let’s discuss the finer points:

• Holy shit Beyonce is just the MOST, you know? Just TOPS, A-ONE
• I liked all the parts where there were A MILLION BEYONCES, that would be such a perfect world
• A baby came out of that body not too long ago. Um, that’s fair
• When she was walking with her knees coming up to her hips KG said: “I would like to walk like that all the time” and I tried it for a minute today, and it’s exhausting, you guys
• I said: “I really love my mom, but I wish Beyonce was my mom. I wish I was Blue Ivy”
• Leather outfits are a) completely impractical for an intense extended physical performance and b) THE ONLY VIABLE OPTION FOR AN INTENSE EXTENDED PHYSICAL PERFORMANCE. Oh my GOD
• HELLO KELLY AND MICHELLE
• I said when Kelly and Michelle came out “My entire life has been leading up to this moment” and I think at that second, I really meant it
• Kelly Rowland is literally the hottest human being on the planet, her legs go to Jupiter and back and she has the best nosejob ever performed. Note: if you are seeking rhinoplasty, ask for the “Kelly Rowland”.
• I mean, you wouldn’t even know that nose is fake, and I’m ACE at picking out nose jobs.
• Even their sweat was not beady and sweaty, but GLISTENING. Like, people rub stuff on their bodies to intentionally look like that and that’s just how they feel when it’s balmy outside. It’s like they perspire glitter and glow. WHAAAAAT

Ah, just, ah. I was so tired afterwards. It was an emotionally draining experience. I think if I went to see Beyonce for realz realz I would literally die because all of my calories would burn up in excitement and my organs would shut down. If you haven’t seen the halftime show, Youtube but get ready because they are right in what they think when they don’t think you can handle this and also, you are most assuredly NOT ready for this jelly.

In other popstar news, that stuff about Lady Gaga testifying against her former assistant is just GOLDEN, in that it could not have been written by even the most adept of comedic minds. My favorite part:

There is 20 bags and there is only one me, and I can’t sift through everything. She would only open a couple of bags, and it was very stressful for me because then again on my off days I couldn’t really have a day off because, you know, I weigh 115 pounds, and I was trying to move these huge, big luggages all by myself in the room, and I did it all the time — by the way, she was asleep until 12:00 most of the time, so I was very often waking up and moving my own luggage and doing shit by myself, and it was — it was a problem that I had.

Luggages is now the only word I will use to describe luggage. Or, for that matter, anything used to transport items from one place to another. WHO IS THIS PERSON

So, the girl sitting near me at the coffee shop has been reading a powerpoint and eating a full pint of Haagen Daaz, about which I was pretty jealous because I just started being healthy today and it’s been a really tough few hours. Anyway, now she’s on the phone with someone half-crying and saying “WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU WHEN YOU SLEPT WITH HER” and shoveling ice cream into her face and I’m not jealous of her anymore. She’s like a cartoon character cliche of a woman scorned. She is a living Cathy comic. This is strange to witness, I feel perverse

Good night, and good luck

• beyonce